I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
she peed on how many people?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
