oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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