I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
