Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
