She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
