Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I stole a fireplace last night.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
