Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
