Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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