I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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