idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
