I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
dude. I can hear the air.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
