The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
