Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
