sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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