Can i not drive my cunt home
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
