Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
