Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
