I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm passing your future prison.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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