I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
