Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
