i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
