So drunk its hurt
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
