the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
