I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Those nachos came to me in a dream
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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