im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
