What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
