he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
