I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
