TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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