if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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