Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
