I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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