I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
