1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
