How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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