i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
