I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
