Heybabeimwearingurpanties
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
