So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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