If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
