I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
