I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
