I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It's blow job season.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
