this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
