and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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