Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
