I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It's blow job season.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
