Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
