I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
