you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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