Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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