I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
