You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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