K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
