She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
