I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
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Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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