a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Even my vagina gasped.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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