is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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